I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
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I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Ain’t no way
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
The most important meal of the day is the next one
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants