Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
You Might Also Like
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.