Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
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if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!