If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
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*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.