Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
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When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am