When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
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[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*