Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
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ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Just had my nails done!
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun