My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
You Might Also Like
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned