[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
You Might Also Like
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?