Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
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I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
the prophecies have been fulfilled
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.