Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
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Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.