When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
You Might Also Like
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
the way this pissed me off… 😭
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that