Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
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what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
“Huge”.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
#NoRestForTheWicked
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.