I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
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April 1st is the class clown of days.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Otters drive ottermobiles.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.