I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
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When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.