Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
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At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
I created you as mosquito food.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
How to woo a woman
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile