Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
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Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM