Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
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For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
What do you hear?