Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
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Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
This squirrel eats better than I do
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.