Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
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I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
But I really needed water water water
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”