I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
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Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
gentlemen, hear me out
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.