Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
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Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes