If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
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16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
U talkin 2 me?
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
181.