Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
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I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
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MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
The struggle is real
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.