my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
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her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.