As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
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Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Me too door. Me too.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
me when I see my crush
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.