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The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.