No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
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peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.