before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
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I want what they have
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀