Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
You Might Also Like
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Most fashion shows these days…
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.