Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
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2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes