I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
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Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
My dad.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
The asteroid..
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.