gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
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Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear