HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
You Might Also Like
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.