My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
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Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.