GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
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Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Found my door mat
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.