I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
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[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy