Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
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Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?