[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
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I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings