I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
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someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb