my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
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Spa day..😅
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary