ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
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(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
The internet is full of many things
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Okey dokey.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian