you stereotypes are all alike
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Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
The prophecy is fulfilled
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.