Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
You Might Also Like
thank god
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.