Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
You Might Also Like
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
🤯🤯🤯
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
WTF
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…