“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
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911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.