Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
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Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
I hope they boil the right one.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.