I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
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The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
want me to check your oil?
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.