Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
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I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person