I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
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I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
so much to do
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE